Thursday, March 7, 2013

But it Really Gets Bad... 'Round Midnight

If I were slightly more self-destructive I would have had Courvoisier for breakfast this morning.  I have real worries that I muddle through and most mornings are manageable, but last night I threw some public humiliation onto the worry-pile and now I'm feeling less than functional.  I haven't much distance yet...  I so hope it will be funny in time.

It had been a few months since I'd sung publicly.  The sadness I claimed made me silent?  Even more so in music.  A friend invited me to a vocal jazz jam last night and on a whim I thought it time to come out of hiding.

I'm sure we've all seen painful performances and felt both empathy for the struggling performer and annoyance on behalf of our own assaulted ears.  It was that.  Some novices are blissfully unaware of the mixed emotions they cause, but I am no novice.  It's been a long time since an audience felt so badly for me no one would make eye contact.

K by Julie Desroches

I left the stage and went out onto the street.

It was a drizzly night and I left both my coat and my handbag behind in the club and I just walked and walked the fairly quiet streets of my city.  I don't often do this...  my sense of personal (womanly) safety prevents it, but this was fight or flight and I was fleeing.

I walked until the fresh air calmed my flushed face, finally being able to stop staring down at my own two boots and look up and around and see the people I passed.  I was approached by folks on the street living a far more hand to mouth existence than me.  When I have money I tend to give it but I had nothing with me to donate.  Often I'm so busy rummaging for change and a solution to my guilt I, like my audience, neglect to make eye contact and have a human exchange... but last night, with nothing in my hands, I could finally meet everyone's eyes.

It strikes me that we all have failures and embarrassments.  We all have dropped the ball at some point in our lives and lost the game.  People out there facing the elements might very well be there, in part, because it was better than facing some horribly humbling event.  We are not very far removed from each other. 

Even the people who seem to handle uncertainties with grace want to have a tipple instead of toast in the morning sometimes.



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